Pirates in Wonderland
by cheshirexpirate
Summary: Captain Hector Barbossa and Captain Jack Sparrow still have a strong rivalry, after twelve years. During their most recent battle for the Black Pearl they are transported to a place that is completely foreign to them. That place is Wonderland.NEWLY EDITED
1. Chapter 1

**Chapter One**

Disclaimer: I do not own Pirates of the Caribbean. It belongs to Disney. Likewise, I do not own Alice in Wonderland. The movie rights belong to Disney and the book was written by Lewis Caroll and not myself.

BOOM!

A cannon went off in the darkness. The deck of the Black Pearl was slick with sea water, the salt of it stinging cuts on the feet of those crewmen who weren't lucky enough to have shoes. But they were not the focus of Captain Jack Sparrow, as they raced around the deck doing their best to keep the cannons going and the ship stable against the storm. Neither were the gale force winds nor the driving rain. His entire being was concentrated on one thing: blowing his enemy, Captain Hector Barbossa, away.

Barbossa, as it was, was focused on quite the same thing; killing Jack Sparrow. The storm may make it harder but a thing as trivial as nature never stopped the likes of Hector. He was intent on returning the Black Pearl to it's proper owner; himself. There wasn't anything that would stop his quest for the fine ship. Nothing would stand in his way without being knocked down.

Unfortunately for both of the Captains, the storm was becoming stronger by the minute. If they didn't finish the battle soon both ships, crew and all, would be lost to the sea. There was a single problem with discontinuing their current activity. That problem was neither Barbossa nor Sparrow was willing to surrender and, at that point, it would be the only chance of escape.

Suddenly, a flash of lightening dashed across the sky, splitting in two. Both branches of the bolt ran toward separate ships and, faster than anyone could react, hit. In the same moment, the storm disappeared and the sea calmed.

Meanwhile, on a nearby island, a young woman carried a basket which contained soiled clothes. As she made her way closer to the surf of the beach, she noticed two ships between she and the horizon. They were surrounded by billows of smoke. Bright flashes illuminated the wood of their hulls. She also noticed that over them were storm clouds. These clouds were headed towards the island. With a look of concern on her face she began to turn around, wanting to warn her village of the oncoming storm, but before she could, it all vanished before her eyes. Everything, the storm, the smoke, and the ships were gone, leaving nothing but placid water in its wake.


	2. Chapter 2

**Chapter Two**

Disclaimer: I do not own Pirates of the Caribbean. It belongs to Disney. Likewise, I do not own Alice in Wonderland. The movie rights belong to Disney and the book was written by Lewis Caroll and not myself. This particular chapter also has a line from the song "Hotel California." This song, I believe, was written by Don Henley and originally performed by the Eagles. I do not own the song.

Jack woke up with a strange feeling coursing through his body. His muscles were pulsing and it was out of his control to stop them for a few minutes. When he finally stood up, he noticed something strange; he was in the middle of a forest.

"Where the bloody hell am I?" he asked the air.

"That depends on whether you're in the same place as me," said an odd lilting voice from somewhere above him.

"Funny, that doesn't sound like my inner monologue," Jack commented, looking about.

"It doesn't sound like mine, either. Maybe it's her's," said the voice.

"Her? What 'her'?"

"The her near the bush."

Jack looked towards said bush, as it was the only bush in the clearing, and noticed that there was, indeed, a "her" there. He took a tentative step towards the girl, who was splayed out as if she had fallen from a great height. She didn't seem hurt or by any means dangerous, so he turned her over. His face darkened at the sight of the person's face.

"Elizabeth...why does she keep throwing herself in my path? Literally, this time."

It was then that Jack realized what she was wearing- a powder blue dress that came down to just below her knees. Over that was a pinafore. This was by no means what he normally saw her in and he had to admit he was enjoying the view.

"Nice ankles. Don't see those often at home. Even on Scarlett or Giselle. That's a bit surprising, really."

Suddenly, the bush next to Elizabeth began to shake and make strange noises. Jack leapt away from it yelling in fear. This caused Elizabeth to wake with a start. She immediately saw Jack, then, feeling a slight breeze on her legs looked down. Upon seeing her skirt, or lack thereof, she, too, began to scream.

"What are you screaming about?" Jack asked gruffly.

"The half-dress that I'm in! What are you screaming about?" she replied.

"The living bush!" he yelled, pushing her onto it in a flash.

Her screaming reached new heights as she toppled onto to the bundle of leaves and twigs and landed with a crash of sorts.

"Ow!" the bush said.

Elizabeth jumped off the bush covering her mouth with fright. Jack took a cowardly step forward and reached into the bush. His hand touched something soft and fluffy. When it came out of the bush, it was holding an adorable kitten.

"Aw! It's so small!" Elizabeth cooed.

"Me? Elizabeth, it's me!" the kitten said.

"Will?" she asked, confused.

Jack attempted to hide his laughter but failed miserably. "Will, you're a cute little kitty cat," he said letting a gale of laughter break through.

"Stop it! Stop laughing at me!" Will yelled, trying to swipe at Jack, his fuzzy paws flailing about.

Elizabeth quickly went over to Jack and snatched Will away from him, nuzzling and petting Will as she stepped back towards the bush.

"Well," Jack said as he finished laughing. "that solves the mystery of the talking bush, but what about the crazy voice in the sky?"

"Crazy voice in the sky? Are you sure your sane, Jack," Will said.

"No one is sane here. You must be looking for Predictaland."

"Where is that coming from?" Jack asked himself.

"Over by that tree," Elizabeth said, pointing to said tree.

The three of them walked over to the tree and proceeded to walk around the base of it, heads turning every which way, looking for the owner of the "crazy voice in the sky." Suddenly, something caught Elizabeth's eye on a branch above Jack's head.

"Why is there a moon in this tree?" she asked.

Will and Jack looked up to the branch to see a white sliver sitting on it.

"That isn't a moon. The moon is more of a yellow colour, Elizabeth," Will said.

"That's a smile," Jack said.

"What?" both Elizabeth and Will asked.

But the question was never answered, for up on the tree branch a body began to appear around the smile and the trio quickly found themselves being stared at by two yellow eyes. These eyes belonged to what looked like a cat with pink and purple stripes and a large fabulous tail.

"That is one fabulous tail," Jack said.

His comment went unnoticed by the others, as they were quite disturbed by the thing gazing at them from the tree. Jack was, obviously, the first to recover. He had seen stranger things in his life than a striped cat with unusually large teeth. This was nothing.

"Any particular reason you're staring at us, lad...lass...cat," he said, struggling to find the correct pronoun.

"I believe it is you who is staring at me," said the cat in his lilting way.

"Well, we certainly wouldn't be staring if you weren't so odd," Elizabeth remarked.

"Everyone's odd here. I'm odd, you're odd, he, she, we are all odd," it replied.

"And what makes you think we're odd?" Will asked.

"You wouldn't be here otherwise."

"We don't particularly want to be here!" Elizabeth whined.

"You can check out any time you like, but you can never leave," said the cat, rotating his head around while his body stayed put.

"Wha?" Jack asked.

"Look, just tell us how to get out of here and we'll leave you alone," said Will, who was beginning to get frustrated.

"Well, if I was going to get out of here," he paused to chuckle. "I would go see the Queen."

"Of England?"

"Shut up, Jack," Will and Elizabeth said. "Which Queen?" Elizabeth continued.

"The only Queen."

"Well, that doesn't solve anything, does it?" Jack asked.

"How do we find the Queen?" Will asked, ignoring Jack.

"Oh, you can go most anyway. Just pick a direction, walk walk walk, and," it said drawing out the last word. "look for short cuts."

With that, the cat disappeared, humming all the way. The people at the base of the tree were left only able to look around quite confused. That is, the people besides Jack. He had already set off in the direction of some large patches of mushrooms.

"Where are you going?" asked Elizabeth, giving him a bewildered look.

"In a direction, like the cat-thing said," Jack replied.

Elizabeth looked at Will, who did his best to shrug. Elizabeth shrugged back at him, placed him in a pocket on her pinafore, and went to catch up with Jack. Will snuggled into her pocket, preparing himself for any obstacles that they may encounter on their way back to the Caribbean. And so, Jack, Will, and Elizabeth headed into the unknown forest, all hoping. Elizabeth for a way home, Will for his old body, and Jack for rum.


	3. Chapter 3

**Chapter Three**

Disclaimer: I do not own Pirates of the Caribbean. It belongs to Disney. Likewise, I do not own Alice in Wonderland. The movie rights belong to Disney and the book was written by Lewis Caroll and not myself.

'Unmovable body, surging aches, and my head feels like it's split open. This is what I get for trying to kill that damnable Sparrow. Every time...why?...why?...why can't I breathe?'

Barbossa put a hand to his stomach. He felt silk...tight silk.

"The blazes?"

He looked down at his body and nearly, but, of course, didn't, scream at what he saw: He was wearing a dress. A somewhat masculine dress, design-wise, but a dress is a dress. There's only one thing he could possibly do to save his reputation: rid himself of the silken death trap.

'Good thing I've had experience with unlacing these things!' he thought.

He made quick work of the dress and corset and easily slipped out of the bloomers and chemise. Just thinking of those words in relation to him made him sick. While the clothes were a considerably easy task, the shoes were beyond difficult. It took him about five minutes of hopping this way and that across the room, running into every piece of furniture in the chamber, and many, many "ow's", "bloody's", "damn's" and various other curses that shall not be said in this story. In the end, he managed to get them off.

"To hell with you, you poxy, stumpy shoes!" Hector yelled, throwing the things out the window.

Remembering that he was absent clothes, he quickly stepped away from the window. A mahogany chest of drawers caught his eye. He strode across the room and opened it, his mouth immediately curving downward. It can be best described with this couplet:

Hanging in the closet, all in a row

Were beautiful dresses, done up with bows.

Needless to say, Hector was not only unhappy, but very embarrassed.

"What am I supposed to wear then? Can't very well get around in these." he said.

He sighed and put the bloomers back on, as they were the only things that resembled pants. Then he rummaged around in drawers until he found a knife, which he used to cut the chemise into a very loose shirt. He tucked his "shirt" into his "pants" and continued to look in drawers and, now, closets to find his weapons and, most importantly, his hat. He honestly felt naked without it.

Other than the hat he wasn't terribly upset with his outfit. It was a bit too lacy but it would do. It was certainly better than a corset and dress. He also didn't like white much. It just wasn't his colour. Anyway, after a disappointing and unsuccessful search, he went back to the mirror to see if he could make any other adjustments to his clothing with the only useful thing he'd found in the room-the knife.

Suddenly, the door swung open and a man stood there. Well, maybe not a man. He was more of a card really. A really, really big playing card with a sword. Specifically, he was a five of hearts. Behind him was a small creature wearing a crown and a cape.

"Jack. Where'd you get off to?" Barbossa asked his furry friend. Jack ran forward and leapt up to his shoulder.

"The King has been waiting for over an hour, Your Grace. You're not even dressed yet! Let me go get some attendants to help you with that," five of hearts said, closing the door behind him.

"King?" Hector asked.

Jack straightened up and looked down his nose at him.

"Course you are, Jack," he said, rolling his eyes.


	4. Chapter 4

**Chapter Four**

Disclaimer: I do not own Pirates of the Caribbean. It belongs to Disney. Likewise, I do not own Alice in Wonderland. The movie rights belong to Disney and the book was written by Lewis Caroll and not myself. There is reference in this chapter to the Disney movie Enchanted. It is just one more thing that I do not own.

"How long have we been in this forest, eh?" asked Jack

"Four hours, six minutes, and fifteen seconds," replied Will, who had nothing better to do than count the time.

"Just be patient I'm sure we'll find a way out somehow," said Elizabeth.

"Oh, no, no, no! I know your way, you rum-burner!" Jack said, clutching his flask to his chest.

Where did this flask come from, you may ask. Well, you shouldn't ask. If you paid any attention at all to Jack you would notice that he had various things attached to his belt. Furthermore, he likes rum. It would only be conclusive, then, that he had a flask of rum on his belt. Bob's your uncle.

"Jack! It was only once!" Elizabeth argued.

"Once is one time too many. I shall never trust you with rum ever again! You don't deserve to bask in the glorious wonder that is rum," Jack countered.

He and Elizabeth went on like this for quite a bit until Will began to hear something strange.

"Stop! Stop now! Listen," he said.

"What is that? I don't know. What do you think it is?" he asked his shoulder.

Both Will and Elizabeth gave him a look that screamed "Are you completely dotty?"

"Yes, as a matter of fact I am," Jack replied.

"Well, that's solved then," Elizabeth said.

In the awkward silence that followed, the strange noise that Will heard floated into the clearing in similar fashion to a fog. At that point the sound was about as inconspicuous as a musical number in Central Park.

"Now, let's follow that sound," Will said, stretching out his paw, as if to point.

"Aw! You're so cute!" Elizabeth cooed.

Jack laughed, once again reminded of Will's embarrassing condition.

"I am not cute! I'm a pirate!" Will yelled.

"Don't think so, lad. There is no way that you'll be taken seriously, much less be considered a pirate. Unless..." Jack said, a mysterious look in his eye.

"Wh...wha...what are you looking at, Jack?" Will said, somewhat frightened and very confused.

"Unless we dressed you up like a pirate. That would be adorable!" Elizabeth gushed.

"No! Never! I'm not cute!" said Will.

"Don't be shy, whelp! Accept the compliment," Jack said.

"Just follow the sound! Now!" Will yelled.

"Fine, fine. We're going," Jack said, trudging to the right, where there was now a light to accompany the sound.


	5. Chapter 5

**Chapter Five**

Disclaimer: I do not own Pirates of the Caribbean. It belongs to Disney. Likewise, I do not own Alice in Wonderland. The movie rights belong to Disney and the book was written by Lewis Caroll and not myself.

Author's Note: I apologize for being so late in my updating. I went on a vacation and had very little access to a computer. From now on I will warn when I will be infrequent in updating. Otherwise, they will come promptly one after another.

"Why me?" Barbossa murmured.

Honestly, that was all he could say. I mean, if you were a man in a large dress and everyone thought you were married to your pet monkey, you'd be a bit speechless, too. Oh, and when I say dress, I mean a DRESS. I mean a hoop-skirted, petticoated, corseted, long, hot dress. Yeah, it was that bad.

"P-p-presenting the King and Queen-," a rather large rabbit, in front of Barbossa, yelled. The poor thing, who was already quite frightened, was interrupted by a burning glare from him. "I...I m-mean Queen and King of H-hearts!"

An enormous roar came from just behind the line of guards...soldiers...men...oh, I guess I'll just call them what I think they are: cards. Anyway, an enormous roar came from just behind the line of "cards", like I said, and the "cards" separated so that a very large crowd was revealed. Not to mention a hedge maze that seemed to go on for ever and several flamingos and hedgehogs running about. Hector had had just about enough of this ridiculousness. Dressed in drag and playing house with his monkey-not cool.

"What exactly is going on here?!" he yelled at the "card" nearest him.

The card cowered and immediately, though nervously, said, "Only the birthday party that Your Grace demanded-I mean-graciously allowed us to give you, Your Majesty."

"Birthday party?" Barbossa asked. "And what does this birthday party require me to do?"

"What ever you want, Your Grace. That is to say, we had planned for croquet but if that does not please Your Grace it can be abandoned," the "card" replied, obviously scared out of his wits.

"Can I wear some britches and a shirt?"

"But these are Your Majesty's finest clothes. Besides, you have none in your wardrobe and it would take two days for your dressers to make that sort of an outfit."

"Argh! I've survived stormy seas, supernatural creatures, and dangerous foes, but you bastards are gonna be the death of me!"

As Barbossa stood there with an angry face, complete with a slight twitch by the eye, the entire population of the courtyard stood silent, mostly because they were frightened, partly because they had no idea what he was talking about.

Finally, Jack, breaking the silence and movement challenged air, jumped up to his shoulder and chirped in his ear. Hector sighed and nuzzled Jack. The crowd, deciding as a group that it was alright to be inattentive, began to chatter anxiously. The "cards" turned from the so-called Queen and King of Hearts, their faces changing from shocked and scared to blank and alert in a matter of seconds. In other words, things went back to normal, or as normal as things can be in Wonderland.

The rabbit, who had too recently been nervously announcing the entrance of Barbossa and Jack the monkey, meekly approached them. He stood there for several minutes until Barbossa became aware of his presence, at which point he received an icy glare. "Y-y-y-y-your th-thrones aw-w-w-w-," he stuttered.

"Get on with it!" Barbossa yelled.

"Awaits!" he finished, gesturing outwards to two chairs, one large, one small, both golden.

Barbossa strode to the chair and sat, preparing himself for whatever weirdness would ensue in the following hours.


	6. Chapter 6

**Chapter Six**

Disclaimer: I do not own Pirates of the Caribbean. It belongs to Disney. Likewise, I do not own Alice in Wonderland. The movie rights belong to Disney and the book was written by Lewis Caroll and not myself.

Picture this: people with animal heads. Every kind of animal, as well. Everything from fish to guinea pigs, from birds to mice. Now, imagine all those...things running around on a circular section of a sandy beach with a large rock in the middle. Picture, on top of this rock, an extinct bird, a dodo to be exact, warming himself by a fire. Now picture all of those things singing (with the exception of the rock and fire of course). Do you all have that complete picture in your heads? That's good, because now you know what Jack, Will, and Elizabeth came upon when they finally reached the destination of that mysterious sound they'd been following. Don't remember that part? Then go back and read it again. Honestly, do try to keep up. I don't want to leave anyone behind but...

"What on earth is that?" Jack asked, for once, confused.

"I've no idea. If I didn't know any better, I'd say that it's a large circle of singing, dancing animals," Elizabeth replied.

"Do you see that large bird-thing?" Will asked.

"Where?" asked Jack.

"Up there on that rock."

"Oh, yes, I see him," Elizabeth said.

"Now, you see the wig he's got on?"

"Why, that looks like my father's wig!"

"Do think that there's any chance it's him?" Will asked.

"'Course there is!" Jack replied. "Why wouldn't he be? You're a cat, Elizabeth's wearing an inappropriate dress, God knows what happened to Barbossa and his stupid feral monkey."

"Oh, don't be silly, Jack!" Elizabeth snapped.

At that moment, the large bird (who, as I have said, is a dodo) turned around and spotted them.

"Elizabeth? What are you wearing?" he said.

Elizabeth and Will's jaws dropped. Jack simply stepped towards him.

"Gov! How 'ave you been?" he asked. "I'll be right there."

As if things didn't look bleak enough for Governor Swann, Jack was taking more than five minutes to get over to him.

'If this has to happen, can't I just get it over with?' he silently asked himself.

Finally, Jack had made it through the ring of animals, whom he had discovered to be wearing Navy coats. However, they posed no threat to him. After all, whenever one of them was reminded of their non-human state, they would blush deeply, give an indignant look, and rejoin the ring.

"So, wasn't I right about that little adventure? You know, the one when you tried to hang me? Your grammar has improved since then, hasn't it? Not that you have bad grammar, but...well, everyone can improve, you know," Jack rambled.

"Well, then," Governor Swann said. "How nice. So, how, exactly, did you manage to remain intact and...human?"

"That's an easy one!" he hesitated. "I've got no idea."

Governor Swann just shook his head and turned his attention to Elizabeth and Will who had just managed to get on top of the rock.

"Elizabeth, I knew you were in a bad crowd, but really, dear," he said, like the caring father he was, you know...under all those feathers.

"You honestly think that I chose this?" she asked, incredulously. "No, it was forced on me like your current state was forced on you."

It was then that he noticed Will, poking his adorable kitten head out of Elizabeth's pocket.

"And who is this charming little animal? I didn't know you liked cats, Elizabeth."

"I don't," she said. 'They scare me,' she added in her head.

"Then why do you have a kitten in your pocket?"

"A what?" she looked down in surprise to see Will. "Oh! No, that's Will."

"Ah, Elizabeth. That's what I was trying to tell you about him before. He's just not a good match for you."

"What?" both Will and Elizabeth asked.

"It talks!" Governor Swann exclaimed, jumping back.

"Look, we'll just leave and there won't be anymore of this awkward family time, yes?" Jack said, starting to usher Elizabeth, who went willingly, off the rock.

"No, wait, Elizabeth! I didn't mean it! I'm just looking out for your well being! That's what a father's supposed to do!" Governor Swann called after her.

"It's too late for that!" she yelled back.

"But, he's not even of the same species!" Governor Swann continued.

"Neither are you!" she shouted, running into the forest ahead of Jack.

'Hmmm, I should probably go after her and make sure she's alright,' Jack thought. 'Or, maybe not...nah, she's got Will. She'll be fine. Besides, petting a cat can relieve stress.'

One of the animals had noticed that Jack was standing just at the edge of the forest and quickly came up to him.

"All right, pick a direction and move in it, Sparrow," he said.

"Gilette! How nice to see you again. Give my regards to your wife," Jack grinned suggestively.

Gilette, suddenly taken aback, moved back to the ring, leaving Jack to make his decision alone. Jack looked in both directions. Eventually, he shrugged and walked into the forest, leaving the exceedingly bizarre beach behind.


	7. Chapter 7

**Chapter Seven**

Authors Note: I apologize again for posting so late. My computer was having some problems. Things should go back to normal now. I feel really bad. Anyway, done with that.

Disclaimer: I do not own Pirates of the Caribbean. It belongs to Disney. Likewise, I do not own Alice in Wonderland. The movie rights belong to Disney and the book was written by Lewis Caroll and not myself.

"It's alright, Elizabeth," Will comforted, patting her arm with his adorable, furry, over-sized paw.

She simply continued her light weeping. Her tears were slipping through her fingers and one managed to get Will in the head.

He rubbed his head with both paws, causing him to fall

and quickly he curled into a ball.

I am a poet and I don't know it. Or do I...?

Elizabeth briefly moving her hands noticed this. "Aw, you're awfully cute, Will."

He looked up and, for once not offended by that sort of comment, smiled. And, yes, cats do smile-just not in our reality.

Just as this happy moment happened, who should stumble drunkenly in to ruin it but Jack. He fell hard, got up, swayed for a minute, then seemed to find his balance and continued walking in the direction he had fallen in.

"Jack? Where are you going?" asked Elizabeth.

"In a direction, like the cat said."

"That was over an hour ago!"

"Yes, but it took us somewhere didn't it? And now we know something new."

"What's that?" Will asked.

He stopped and pivoted to look at him. "We're not the only ones in this hell. Wasn't that obvious?"

"So, what does that tell us, then?" asked Elizabeth.

"Ph! I don't know. I don't even know why I ended up with you two again. What were you doing before you got sent here, anyway?"

There was an awkward silence during which both of them looked down and blushed. Except Will. Cats might smile, but they do not blush; too much fur.

"Oh, I see," Jack said, innuendo lacing his voice. "So that dress isn't completely out of place then, is it?"

Elizabeth scowled. "You wouldn't be so keen to gloat if you had ended up like us!"

"But I didn't, did I? So, I am keen to gloat. So there," he replied with a smirk. "Now that that's been discussed, shall we continue, my fair lady and feline?"

Elizabeth and Will looked grudgingly at him. Never the less, Will crawled into Elizabeth's pinafore pocket and she stood and followed Jack back into the forest. As they walked, he was unusually quiet. No joking or obnoxiously long stories with plots that were unbelievable, most of them also being false. All of them felt somewhat uncomfortable. They had all been severely disturbed by what they had seen that day. They ranged from bizarre to just plain scary and none of them were pleasant.

"Do you actually know where we are?" Will asked after about a half an hour.

"Of course I do!" Jack answered. "We're in a forest."

"I mean more specifically."

"Fine. We're in a forest in crazy-upside-down-off-the-rocker-sixes-and-sevens-dotty-world."

"What?!" Elizabeth asked, confused.

"You heard what I said. That's where we are! Now, if the two of you will kindly shut it, maybe I can determine-"

Jack was interrupted by some very familiar yelling. It was English, pompous, and, if he could but a height to it, Jack would say 'short.'


	8. Chapter 8

**Chapter Eight**

"It's...purple," Jack commented as he stared at the wooden gate that lead to uncertainty. While walking through the forest that they currently occupied, Jack, Will, and Elizabeth had heard yet another sound that they decided to be curious about. It had led them to this gate. It was connected to very tall hedges on both sides that created a fence of sorts, and out of that fence-of-sorts came a gray-ish airy matter, that was somewhat unrecognizable.

Jack and the gang investigated

And found a lot, securely gated.

"Actually, that's lavender, Jack," Elizabeth corrected.

"Whatever you say, love," he replied, muttering, "It's purple," under his breath as he opened the gate of disputed colour.

"Wait! What are you doing?" Will interjected. "Do you realize that we could be stepping into hell for all you know?"

"I assume you mean the smoke, William," Jack said, referring to the haze that billowed out from behind the border they were in front of. "Well, as it so happens, I have been to hell and I can assure you that there is absolutely no smoke there. Besides, it's steam."

"How can you tell?" Will questioned.

Jack walked towards the confused kitten and looked him in the eye. "Simple; it's making salt water leak from the pores that are sprinkled about on my skin. In short, I'm sweating." With that he turned and strutted into the large cloud of floating air (if it's air, does it float?) and disappeared.

"Jack?" Elizabeth called worriedly.

Silence.

"Are you alright, Jack?"

Complete silence.

"Oh, God! He's dead! He must be dead!" she cried.

"Elizabeth, Jack is not dead and even if he was he wouldn't stay that way. I've seen him die twice and he's still alive," Will said.

"So...what do we do, then, if he won't answer?" she asked.

"Go after him, I suppose."

"A-alright," Elizabeth stuttered, taking a small, cautious step towards the gate. She took another. And another. And another.

"Get on with it, Elizabeth!" Will yelled, for once completely frustrated with her.

She took a deep breath and ran in, holding her arms out in front of her.

--

Hector had been watching something all day. "Something" is what he decided to call what the psychotic, upright animals had been running around doing all day. It was a play of some sorts, that consisted of four freaks of nature, in this case a trout, a guinea pig, a mouse, and a koala bear, hopping over each other, wiggling their arms wildly in the air, and occasionally saying nonsense to one another.

"My sauerkraut is full of rubies, Mr Bully!" called the koala, as he hopped over the trout.

The guinea pig and mouse were wiggling their arms while singing, "My doughnuts are lovely, my loverly doughnuts."

Barbossa was determined to give absolutely none of his attention to this tomfoolery, focusing instead on where he wanted to be right now. It had switched several times throughout the day, the most recent being his quarters on the Pearl. He was leaning back in his chair, his feet on the table, taking the first bite into an apple. He was gripping the waist of a beautiful (and quite tipsy) woman who was drinking wine and he could hear that rotten Sparrow banging on the ceiling of the brig, which was the floor of his cabin, yelling to be let out. He smirked and pulled the woman closer to him. She leaned into him and they were just about to kiss when-

"Your M-m-majesty!"

Barbossa was rudely awakened by the seemingly incompetent rabbit from earlier. He stood up, towering over the creature and shot him a death glare.

"What?" he growled.

"Are you e-enjoying the f-f-f-f-f-f-f-f-"

"Yes?"

"F-f-f-f-f-f-f-"

"Out with it, you thick, long-eared whelp!" Hector shouted.

"Festivities!" the adorable thing blurted out.

Barbossa fumed and raising a shaking finger screamed, "OFF WITH HIS HEAD!"

The entire crowd went silent. The weirdos playing "something" stopped dead in their tracks, the mouse not even falling on the koala, who he was in the process of hopping over. The trout who was crooning, "Have you spelunked in Timbuktu, Monsieur Dupont?" stopped mid-sentence. The card-guards, who had been dusting each other, looked up and dropped their feather dusters. Jack the monkey turned his head to the side so far that it was nearly upside down. The White Rabbit stood, glued to the spot pulling his head back into his Elizabethan collar. Suddenly, everything was set back in motion moving quicker than before. The poor bunny was whisked away, to a jail cell, no doubt. Whatever cards were left picked up their dusters, and continued their activity and "something" went on in the previous fashion. Jack groomed himself eating everything he came across, which wasn't much but was always highlighter orange.

"What was that?" Barbossa asked himself. "That's the most ridiculous order I've ever given. If you really want to punish someone you should do it the old fashioned way: cutting off their nose, cooking it, and forcing them to eat it. That's the way it's done."

He looked at where the rabbit too recently stood and shrugged, returning to his throne. Summoning up all of his imagination, he returned to his funderful day dream which quickly became too inappropriate to be described here.

--

"Oof!" Elizabeth uttered, hitting something with a "Thwup!" in true onomatopoeia style.

She fell back onto soft grass that was an unnatural shade of kelly green. Propping herself up on her elbow, she looked up at what had stopped her. It was a table.

"Well, that explains my aching hip bones," she spat.

She felt for Will, having an extreme need to relieve her stress with his fluffy, soft fur. He wasn't in her pocket.

"Will? You haven't died have you?" she quietly called out, completely freaked-out.

"Meow...I mean no," he answered, weakly.

She looked in the direction of the voice and found him curled in a ball, his huge, fuzzy paws over eyes.

"It's alright. You just fell, that's all."

"No, you don't understand! The world was nice and well-ventilated and smelled good and then...then..." he shuddered, unable to continue.

Elizabeth, despite wanting to simply sit and pet him for hours until he had not a fear in the world, needed to know what had happened to Jack. So, she kneeled so that only her eyes were above the table. She could barely see anything. Standing up and leaning so far forward that she was nearly lying down on the table, she just made out some shapes that were moving and therefore, she assumed, alive. She knelt down, gently picked up Will, and placed him in her pocket. Then she stood back up, walking towards the moving shapes. As they approached the other end of the incredibly long table, they could tell that there was some discord among the occupants of the chairs.

"Are you mad?!" one particularly short thing said.

"'Course, we're mad! What did you think we were? Sane?" Another rather stout looking one questioned.

"Ha! Sane! Good one, that!" said a lanky one near the latter.

"Yeah, Becky! I thought that was clear from the moment I arrived in this whistle stop that it was, shall we say, aberrant. If it's taking you this long to take in that particular allotment of illumination then I'd say that all your education was for nothing!"

That was Jack! She knew it. There was no way that string of seeming nonsense could have been uttered by anyone else. And by the sound of things, he wasn't too bad off. "Becky", however, was a name unknown to her. Who did she know who's name was similar to that. Rebecca was a girl she used to be friends with...but she was, likely as not, still in Port Royall and Elizabeth hadn't been back there in years, so why would she be here. Becker was what she named her first dog (god knows why she chose that name!). But he'd been dead for ages and, again, he had no reason to be here. Of course, neither did she. She thought, and thought, and thought. Then, suddenly, it hit her.

"Beckett!" she exclaimed, in disbelief.

The short man turned around and replied, "Yes? Who is it?"

Elizabeth clamped a hand over her mouth, realizing that she had spoken her thoughts. She took a moment to compose herself and then took a step forward, so that she was within visibility of the group.

"Hello, King Swann," said Ragetti, who was sitting across from Jack. He gave a small bow with his greeting.

"You ain't gotta do that, idiot," Pintel, who was adjacent to Beckett said, swatting him on the back of the head.

Out of a giant tea pot popped a sleepy Marty who repeated, "Ain't gotta do that, idiot," All the while slipping back into his pot until the lid was shut again and he was out of sight.

"Just trying to be respectful, is all," he replied, tenderly rubbing the spot where he was hit.

"I can't see anything! Who was that?" shouted Will, who, as he was in Elizabeth's pocket, was too low to know what was going on at the table.

"Oh, I'm sorry, Will." Elizabeth took him out of her pinafore and accidentally dropped him on a plate in front of her.

He shivered when he landed, his darling eyes wide with fear.

"Not again," he cowered. "No, never again!"

Everyone just sat staring at him with curiousity for a moment. Then all of them softened and there was a collective, "Aw!"

"He's so cute when he's scared!" said Elizabeth.

"Absolutely adorable, he is!" said Ragetti.

"Picture of innocence!" said Pintel.

"Cuter than a cuttlefish!" said Jack.

"We should make him a crown of daisies!" said Beckett.

Jack, Pintel, Ragetti, Elizabeth, and Will stared at him, all of them incredulous, Will covering his head. Beckett turned a shade of red the likes of which has never been seen, even by Vlad the Impaler.

"What? Jack compared him to a cuttlefish!" he blurted out embarrassedly.

"Yes, but my comments are always conundrums the likes of which have never been bestowed upon the world before. You, my tightly wound ice-cream-cone-headed friend, never mention such things on any circumstance," Jack pointed out in his usual fashion.

Beckett then had nothing to do but slump down in his seat until his wig covered his face.


	9. Chapter 9

**Chapter Nine**

A tea party is generally described as being either very proper or very girly. For example, when people are dressed casually, you could say they are not going to tea with the Queen. For example (take two), most little girls enjoy pink, fluffy, cute, pretty things and they are renowned for their tea parties which are always this way. Now, everyone at our tea party had at least heard of tea parties before and most had actually been to such an occasion. Elizabeth, for one, had been to many and had the most experience of anyone there with that particular event. She had been to the first type of tea party, generally, though she had hosted her share of parties with her kitten, dog, and teddy bear. Jack had, surprisingly, been to a few tea parties himself, one of which was initiated by Beckett. Beckett had been to more tea parties than any heterosexual man with self respect should attend. Barbossa had been the one to introduce Pintel and Ragetti to tea parties, though they had never been to one. Will only been to one in his entire life and it was not cordial.

Despite the fact that they had all had associations with these dainty gatherings, none had ever attended one such as this. For one thing, more than half the guests were pirates. Another strange occurrence was that one of these people was a cat and was somehow still able to talk. (While it was true that Ragetti had acquired a lovely pair of rabbit ears, he was not completely engulfed by his animal features and, so, was not looked as strangely upon.) Needless to say, everyone was rather uncomfortable. Everyone, that is, except Jack.

"Come on, mate. Have some tea. It's not as good as rum, but it ain't half bad," he said, shoving a tea cup and saucer in Beckett's face. Beckett quickly pushed it back at him.

"Rum?! We been wantin' some of that since early three days ago!" Ragetti yelped.

"It wasn't three days ago. It was this mornin'," Pintel replied.

"Nuh-uh, it wasn't! It was three days ago!" Ragetti countered.

"Oh, yeah? You wanna bet that?"

"Yeah, I do!"

"Well, what're you puttin' down for that, then?"

"What do you mean?"

"What do you mean, 'What do you mean?'?"

"What I meant is, 'What do you mean?'"

"Well, I got no clue what you mean."

"And, I ain't got a clue what you mean."

"Then why don't you both shut it!" shouted Beckett interrupting their argument. It was bad enough being in the same general area as Jack Sparrow, but there was no way he could handle two blundering idiots verbally assaulting each other at the same time. "You are blundering idiots and no one cares what either of you mean!"

"I do...," Marty said, weakly as he rose from the tea pot again.

"And what do you matter! You're a pygmy person! Not only that but you have chosen piracy as your career! You don't matter at all!" Beckett fumed.

"Alright, then, Becky. Calm down. Have a crumpet!" Jack said brightly.

Beckett turned on him and instantly Jack knew what he was in for.

"Shut up, you drunken, incapacitated-" Beckett stopped abruptly, as Jack stole the wig right off of his head.

For a moment everything was unnaturally still. Beckett continued to look confusedly at Jack touching his hand to the top of his head, as if he couldn't believe it was gone. Jack sat meekly, lips pursed like a child that is about to receive a harsh scolding from it's mother, clutching on to the wig like it was his own. And Elizabeth, Will, Pintel, and Ragetti sat, astonished at the sight before them: Beckett was bald!

Ragetti was the first to laugh and it came out as a minute giggle. That caused Pintel to hit him which made Elizabeth stifle a laugh herself, which caused Will to laugh, as he loved to hear sounds of merriment from her, which made Pintel laugh, because he would never be one to be left out if he could help it. In a sudden rush Beckett realized that they were all laughing at him and ran after Jack to catch his wig. Unfortunately for him, Jack was far too nimble, he was far too quick, and Jack jumped over a candle stick, which Beckett then fell on. The flame lit his coat on fire, which caused him to sprint and wave his arms about until the flames subsided.

"Mother!" he whispered as he fell to the ground and huddled his knees to his chest. Jack, seeing that his foe had decided to forfeit, saw no reason to continue, and pranced back to the poor Lord, gently placing the wig in its rightful place and following it with a pat.

"There you are, son. You'll be alright," he said turning on his heel and returning to stand at the side of his chair, leaving everyone else to gawk at the prior events.

"Jack! That was cruel!" Elizabeth protested.

"Well, love, what was I gonna do? Let him chastise you all for nothing. Utter bloody nonsense," he replied, placing his hat on his head. "Now, I think our business is done here, as there is simply no one else to humiliate to the brink of the womb."

The group gave Jack an odd look. He gestured grandly poor little Cutler, in the fetal position on the ground, weeping.

"Um, yes, I'm with Jack," Will said.

"I'm coming," Elizabeth agreed, slipping Will into her pocket.

"Marty, I expect you on board the millisecond we get back or your marooned, got it?" Jack questioned the tea pot encased man.

"Yes, yes...marooned..." Marty replied, drifting off to sleep.

Jack nodded. "Good man."

As the three of them walked out of the gate and down a path that led...um...somewhere, a thought occurred to Jack. It was an interesting thought. A thought provoking thought, even. So, he, aware that he had always been and would always be the one to enlighten the lovebirds to the obvious facts that they missed, asked them a question.

"Do you think Beckett sleeps in the silverware drawer?"

"What?" Elizabeth and Will asked in unison.

"The silverware drawer."

"Why on earth would you ask such a ridiculous question?" Elizabeth asked.

"Because his name is "Cutler", like "cutler-y". Even I noticed that. I thought maybe I wasn't the only one thinking the obvious," Jack drawled.

"That's not an obvious thought at all," Will answered.

"Maybe not to you. What should I expect? My mind is constructed so much more...Sparrow-y-like. You can't possibly keep up with my thoughts."

"Whatever you say, Jack," Will said, humouring him.


	10. Chapter 10

**Chapter Ten**

"Please say we're almost out of here," Will groaned.

"We can't because we don't even know how to get out of here," Elizabeth moped.

"Oh, cheer up, you two. What's so bad about things here? Beckett is miserable, the Royal Navy currently consists of generally non-threatening animals, and, best of all, no Barbossa. The only improvement would be if there was a never ending supply of rum and pretty girls," Jack said.

Elizabeth gave him an offended look.

"What? Can't have you, love, you're with the kitten there," he replied, pointing to Will.

"Kitten where?" said a voice above the group.

All of them looked up into the branches of the surrounding trees, but saw nothing.

"Where did that come from?" Elizabeth asked.

Jack squinted at the tree's appendages and seemed to understand something that his comrades did not.

"Up there, mates," he said, gesturing upwards.

The other two looked up to see that annoying, grinning cat that they had met when they first found themselves here. They waited rather politely for him to speak again. He did not. For a long while he just sat on the branch of a discoloured tree (not that any other foliage was as it should have been) and stared at them. Finally, the unnerving creature's behavior became too much for Elizabeth.

"Well, aren't you going to say anything?" she asked.

"Do you want me to say something?" the cat asked.

"Yes, of course!" she returned.

The cat replied by grinning slightly more widely, which made all of them, including Jack, very uncomfortable.

"Say something, if you please," Elizabeth tried again, too scared to sound angry.

"What I say depends on what you want to hear. What do you want me to say?" the cat asked.

"You could start by pointing us in the direction of an exit from this twisted place," Will commented.

"Did you go in a direction?"

"Yes, we did and it took us nowhere," Elizabeth answered.

"I wouldn't say that, Elizabeth. It took us to a strange beach where we saw the British Royal Navy, through this forest that has a certain odd charm to it, and to that tea party which was absolute fun, I think," Jack said.

"But, it did not take us home and that's where we need to go!" Elizabeth said.

"Where do you need to go?" asked the cat.

"To the town of Port Royall in Jamaica," Will said.

"No, no, we need to go to Tortuga. Then we can send you two off in a tiny little boat of your own back to Port Royall. I'm not about to walk back into that frilly deathtrap of a place," Jack argued.

"There are two of us, Jack," Elizabeth pointed out.

"Yes, love, and what does that mean?" he asked.

"What on earth are you on about? It means that we get to choose where we go!"

"Oh, and what gives you that right?"

"Democracy! Majority rules!"

"Not in a monarchy it doesn't!"

"And who said this was a monarchy?"

"I thought you would've known. I'm Pirate Lord of the Caribbean, which conclusively means that I have the highest rank."

"But, I'm the Pirate King!"

"Ha! You gave up that title when you settled down to a life of 'quiet comfort'." You don't count anymore!"

"Stop fighting!" Will yelled. "When we finally find a way out of here, we'll just split up and go our separate ways. Who said we need to stay together?"

"Good point," Jack replied. "Surprised I didn't come up with that myself, really."

Will and Elizabeth rolled their eyes.

"Have you found the Queen yet?" the cat asked, as if unaware of the previous argument.

"We still don't know what bloody Queen you're talking about!" Elizabeth yelled.

"Temper, temper. And such language!" Jack mockingly scolded.

"Shut up, Jack," Elizabeth said, turning her frustration on him.

"Yes, ma'am," he said, suddenly cowering away from her.

Now that Jack was less apt to be seen,

She asked the cat which Queen he did mean.

"Which Queen do you mean?" Elizabeth asked.

"There is only one Queen here," replied the cat.

"And what is her title?"

"Queen..." said the cat, disappearing before their eyes.

"But, wait! You can't leave yet! You have to..." Elizabeth protested.

It was too late however. The Cheshire Cat had gone from tail to grin and left the small group to fend for themselves yet again. So, they set off in another direction. This time, their path led them to a box of cookies and a bottle on a pedestal.

"That's it? That's what this path leads to?" asked Will.

"Good enough for me," said Jack, smiling, while he rushed ahead of his companions.

"What are you doing, Jack? They could be poisoned!" Elizabeth shouted, running after him.

"Well, I'm willing to take that chance," Jack replied.

"For what, exactly, Jack?" Will asked, when they had reached him.

"For rum!"

"You don't know if that's rum!"

"But, I'll never know if I don't try it. Besides look: there are some biscuits for you two."

"I want a biscuit!" exclaimed Will.

"Thought you would, lad," Jack said, taking a swig from the bottle.

Elizabeth sighed, giving in, and took two cookies from the box, one for her and one for Will. They each took a bite and what they tasted was like nothing they had ever had before.

"This is the single most amazing thing I have ever eaten!" Will said.

"It's so light and buttery and even the frosting doesn't make it heavy or thick!" Elizabeth praised.

"But, it's not so light that it doesn't have-" Will continued.

"Form!" Elizabeth finished for him.

"This drink is better than rum!"

Will and Elizabeth stopped everything they had been doing, including breathing. Jack had just said that there was a drink that was better than rum! Something had to be wrong.

"What? It is!" he protested to their stares. "Eat your biscuits."

Reminded of the baked goods from heaven, they each took another bite, closing their eyes and savouring the taste. When they opened their eyes, however, things were not as they were when they first closed them.

"Why is the sky in front of my face?" Elizabeth whimpered.

--

Jack had been happily swigging his rum, when he felt something push him.

"Get out of our garden, you weed!" screamed a giant rose.

"What the hell?" he asked himself, as he stared up at the large flower.

Suddenly, the flower decided to get more violent and scraped him with one of her thorns.

"Ow," Jack said. "I didn't deserve that, you tart!"

"Get out, out, OUT!" the rose yelled, continuing to push him away.

"I'm going, I'm going!" Jack said, as the rose took another swipe at him.

He ran, flailing his arms, out of the garden, not wanting to get another hit from the flower.

"Now I know why women are compared to roses all the time," he commented.

"You? Who are you?" asked a severely up tight sounding voice from above Jack.

"Norrington?" he asked, curiously.

"Yes, what is it?" a large caterpillar replied, turning around.

Jack found himself unleashing an enormous laugh upon the thing, causing it to blush furiously and put an indignant look on his face. It truly was a funny sight. Here sat on a humongous mushroom, a human-sized blue caterpillar with the face of the previous admiral of the British Royal Navy, holding a hookah.

"Hah! No wonder Elizabeth didn't want to marry you-you 'bugged' her to much!" Jack said when his laugh subsided.

His comment was successful in bothering Norrington further and releasing another laugh from his lungs.

"That's not funny, Sparrow!" Norrington said.

"Yes, it is. You just wouldn't get it because it's at your expense!" Jack countered. "Anyway, what are you doing up there, you know, as a c-c-caterpillar?"

He just managed to keep his latest sound of joy inside, though it caused him to stutter, as Norrington frowned deeply.

"Do you think I've got any idea?" he asked angrily.

"Well, no, but I thought it'd be worth asking."

"No, it wasn't."

There was a long pause, which was uncomfortable for Norrington but affected Jack not in the least. But an inquiry let itself into Jack's mind so, naturally, gave it access to the outside world as well.

"I wonder what happened to Will and Elizabeth. They were right next to me two minutes ago," he said.

"Did you count that out exactly?" Norrington scoffed.

"Yes, I did, actually."

The former admiral let out a sigh.

"William? Miss Swann? Where the bloody he-" Jack was interrupted by his bumping into a giant shoe. "That's not normal. Hey, Wig Boy, keep that smoke away from me! My mind is it's own hallucinogen."

"It's not the smoke. There really is a large shoe there."

"Oh!" Jack said.

Meanwhile, the person whose shoe Jack had run into had leaned over to see who had caused the disturbance on their foot.

"Jack!"

"What?"

"Jack! Up here!"

Jack looked up and saw Elizabeth staring down at him. He was completely frightened.

"Elizabeth, only god is supposed to be that big...or brahman...or goddess...or Zeus, etcetera," he said.

"No! I mean, I am rather large but I'm still not that big. You shrunk," she explained.

At that moment, Will popped his head out of her pocket.

"I'm cute, am I?" he asked, grinning madly.

"Now, Will, let's be reasonable," Jack began.

"No!" Will replied and leapt from the pinafore.

Jack ducked, his hands covering his head but, luckily, Elizabeth had caught the kitten-man in the nick of time.

"Let me go! I was going to revenge myself!" Will protested.

"You can revenge yourself later. Now, we need to focus on getting us all back to our normal sizes," Elizabeth said.

"Oh, Elizabeth!" Jack called. "Look who I found!"

He wildly pointed at Norrinton, who turned away and tried to hide himself.

"James?" she asked, tentatively.

He reluctantly turned around.

"Yes," he sighed. "It's me."

"Oh, I'm sorry you ended up like this."

"See, Elizabeth, none of your suitors can stand up to you," Jack laughed.

"And you're too small!" she taunted.

"I am not small. I am large, and majestic, and huge-ish!" he volleyed. "And I wouldn't want you anyway. I can find far more attractive women to keep me company. Can't say as much for Little Boy Blue and Mr Cat-ems there."

"Hey!" Norrington and Will said in union.

"Now, back to the problem. What did we do directly before we changed size?" Elizabeth asked.

"Um...I drank something better than rum," Jack offered.

"Oh, yes, and we ate the best biscuits we've ever had!" Will said.

"Well, that's it then! We'll just switch our refreshments! Jack, you eat part of this biscuit," she handing said food to him. "And Will and I will drink from that bottle."

Elizabeth held out her hand for Jack to place the bottle in but he pulled it back towards him.

"But I want to drink more of this!" he protested.

"Don't you want to be your normal size so that people take you seriously and give you rum when you get back to the Black Pearl?"

Jack sighed. "Fine."

So, Jack ate part of the cookie and Will and Elizabeth each took a sip from the bottle. They closed their eyes enjoying the sensations the treats brought to their mouths and when they opened them again, everything was about as normal as things could be in Wonderland.

"Well, we'd best be off!" Elizabeth said and led them down their umteenth path of the day.

"Wait!" Norrington yelled. "Give me some of that biscuit! I want to be a normal size, too!"

But he was too quiet to be heard by Jack, Will, and Elizabeth as they walked off together.

"Bloody pirates!"


	11. Chapter 11

**Chapter Eleven**

"Why is there no sunshine here?" Elizabeth asked, clearly down.

"I don't know. The trees maybe?" Will said, referring to the ceiling the plants made.

"Nah, it was dark out by that beach where we sighted the proud men of the Royal Navy," Jack said, puffing out his chest and putting a fist to it, mockingly grinning. "It was, wasn't it?"

"Shut up, Jack," Will and Elizabeth grumbled.

"Fine, tell me to stop talking. Don't come crying to me when you get chased and taken away by the frumious Bandersnatch," he replied, offended.

"Bandersnatch?" asked Will.

"Bandersnatch. You know, lives in Tulgey Wood?" Jack explained.

"Tulgey Wood?" asked Elizabeth.

"Where we are right now."

"We're in Tulgey Wood? Why didn't you tell us you knew the name of this place?"

"I thought it was superfluous information," Jack shrugged.

"So, this...bandersnatch?" Will asked, slightly scared.

"Yes, the bandersnatch. The jabberwock, too. They come whiffling through the Tulgey Wood and burble as they come. They truly are manxome foes," Jack concluded.

Will and Elizabeth gave him stares of such disbelief that Jack thought they would never recover. They hadn't understood a word he had just said.

"Um...bandersnatch...jabberwock...whiffling...burble...manxome...yes..." he said as he acted the words out.

Will and Elizabeth continued to stare at him. He clearly hadn't gotten through to them.

"Okay...Elizabeth."

"Uh, yes?"

"Come here," Jack said pointing to a spot in front of him.

She reluctantly stood in the indicated place. He turned her around to face Will, who was sitting on the ground. Jack grasped her upper arms and held them out to the sides. Elizabeth's, fore arms dangled from her elbows like a rag doll's. Jack corrected her appendages and soon they stood out-stretched in each direction and towards the canopy of branches above them. He arranged her fingers to look like claws and told her to crouch down slightly.

"Bandersnatch."

Jack brought her elbows down and pointed her hands downwards, keeping her fingers in position, and pulled her head forward so her neck was stretched. Then, he nudged her knee up with his foot so that she looked like she was about to stamp about like a monster. That is, until he instructed her to balance on the toes of her other foot, which made her look as if she was in flight.

"Jabberwock."

Elizabeth was then configured into a crouching ball with her arms blocking her face. Jack stamped one foot on the ground and presented her, grinning.

"Beware," he announced triumphantly.

Elizabeth and Will seemed to understand what he meant better now, but were still rather confused. Mostly, they didn't care to know how Jack had found out these things.

"Who's that?" came an unrecognized voice.

Suddenly, our heroes (and anti-hero) turned toward a section of the forest blocked by several tall bushes. They became tense and their senses sharpened. Something they didn't know was near them. Elizabeth rose from her position on the ground and Will pulled himself completely into her pocket except his head.

"I don't know. Who do you think it is?"

"I don't know who it is, but they're very rude."

"It's true. They should ask us "How do you do?" and shake hands."

"Yes."

"What on earth are those voices going on about?" Elizabeth asked quietly.

"I don't know," Will said.

"Only one way to find out," Jack answered, taking Elizabeth's arm and pulling her through the foliage to where the people apparently were.

When they had brushed past all of the branches, they saw Murtogg and Mullroy, two officers of the Royal Navy. They looked fairly normal except that they were dressed like little boys. Their regular wigs were replaced with blonde sausage ringlets and covered by blue muffin hats with red ribbons trailing off the backs. Their suits were beltless, shapeless and the same blue as their hats. Their cuffs were white with large red buttons and red neckerchiefs. Over everything were the large lapels of their collars, on which were embroidered names. Murtogg's read "Tweedle Dum" and Mullroy's read "Tweedle Dummer". So, in actuality, the didn't look normal at all.

"There they are," commented Murtogg.

"Yes, but they shouldn't just stand there. You! Introduce yourselves!" said Mullroy.

"Its me- Captain Jack Sparrow!"

"Oh, that person. You stole that ship!" Murtogg said.

"Commandeered, I commandeered that ship."

"You still took it. Now come here and shake hands." Mullroy said.

"Yes, it's not a proper introduction if you don't shake hands." said Murtogg.

Jack thought on that for a brief moment. Then, inspiration struck.

"Ah, but what about an introduction to the Queen? Can't shake her hand, mates," he pointed out.

"He's right you know. You can't shake the Queen's hand," said Mullroy.

"Well, then you can't be properly introduced to the Queen," replied Murtogg.

"Yes, you can! How do you think people meet her?"

"They can't, because you can't shake her hand."

"Yes, they can."

"No, they can't."

"Yes, they can!"

"No, they can't!"

"They can! She has that scepter!"

"The scepter has nothing to do with it."

"It's like her hand."

"Her hand?"

"Yes, her hand and when she puts it on your shoulder, it's like a hand shake."

"That still leaves the matter of the people who don't get knighted."

Mullroy paused.

"Well, not everyone is worthy of meeting the Queen."

"Yes, you have a point there...where did they go?"

Murtogg had just happened to look away from Mullroy long enough to notice the absence of Jack, Elizabeth, and Will.

"They were rude, weren't they?"

"Very rude. Anyway, do you like...bread?"

"Yes, actually."

In truth, our lot were rude. They had snuck off somewhere between "They can't, because..." and "It's like her hand." Jack had purposely set them up so that he and the "kids" could get away fast. By the time that Murtogg and Mullroy saw that they were gone they were already in another part of the forest standing before a large tree with a moon in it. Of course, that would be entirely impossible-ahem, excuse me-impassible. It was no matter to our gang, though, as they knew what it was already.

"How are you getting on?" asked the Cheshire Cat.

"Not at all," Elizabeth said.

"Beg pardon?" the Cat replied, leaning his ever growing ear in her direction.

"I said, 'Not at all!'"

"Oh, that's too bad," the Cat commented, his ear shrinking back to it's original size.

"Do you really think that? Or are you just humouring us?" asked Will.

The Cat laughed madly in response.

"Bloody cat," Jack mumbled, crashing down on the ground, cross-legged.

Suddenly, the Cat swung his tail down, grabbing Jack's hat. It tossed the hat in the air so that it landed perfectly on the Cat's head. Jack prodded his head with his fingers with a bewildered look on his face. When he discovered that his hat was truly gone, he jumped up infuriated.

"I'm a cat...in a hat," the Cheshire Cat said cooly.

"Give me my hat back, Cat!"

"No, Jack he can't possibly do that!" Elizabeth exclaimed.

"Yes, if he gave your hat back it would go splat!" Will interjected.

"Stop rhyming!" Jack yelled. "How would a hat go splat anyway. Would you...pl-e-a-se give my hat back?"

"Very well," it said and dropped it.

Jack dove and caught his beloved belonging just before it hit the ground.

"Now, then, have you seen the Queen?" asked the Cat, as always.

"You always ask that and the answer is always 'no'!" Will yelled.

"How do we find this Queen?" Elizabeth asked.

"Well, some go this way," it said pointing to the left. "And some go that way," it said pointing to the right. "But as for me, myself, personally..."

"Yes, what for you, you rabid feline hat-stealer?" Jack asked, clearly upset by the temporary loss of his head gear, which he was currently hugging.

"...I prefer the short cut."

At that, the Cheshire Cat pulled on a twig and a door in the bark opened.

Out shined a light, all glow-y and magic,

That revealed a garden, do you think it was plastic?


	12. Chapter 12

**Chapter Twelve**

What Jack, Elizabeth, and Will found behind the door was nothing short of beautiful. In front of them was a path paved with alternating black and red bricks. Along either side of the path were towering hedges. There was a circular opening in which stood a giant fountain, tinted a faint pink, that depicted cherubs holding vases and floating banners embossed with hearts. In the distance there was a magnificent castle with twisting spires, large, open windows, and a red and black pattern similar to the pavement under their feet. Up ahead, the road turned in two directions and there were several directions from the passageway before that. That could mean only one thing.

"A hedge maze," whispered Elizabeth.

"How will we get through to the castle?" Will asked, despairingly.

"Compass," said Jack, waving the object in front of Will.

"Oh, yeah," he replied, dumbly.

"Also, William, there are many hearts everywhere. If we want to find the castle we just have to find a heart shaped passageway."

"What?" Will asked.

"Never mind. We'd best start if we want to get through today," Elizabeth said.

So, what can I say? They did. Elizabeth held the compass, as Jack's heart's desire at that moment was not to get home, but to drink the beverage that tasted better than rum.

'Although, rum's good, too,' Jack thought.

Will kept trying to peer up at the arrow to see where they were headed but Elizabeth held it too high. Jack had taken to whistling "A Pirate's Life For Me" as he walked.

"Jack, could you whistle something else?"

"As if I would whistle anything else," was his answer.

"Then could you stop whistling?"

"No," he said like a child being asked to share

His only, special, and best friend ever: Mr Teddy Bear.

But Jack did stop whistling. As they continued walking, however, the sound was still in the air.

"Jack, I asked you to stop!" Elizabeth said.

"'S not me, love," he said.

"Then who is it?" asked Will.

They exchanged looks and heard the noise clearer. All of them turned towards it. Luckily enough, there was an "open door" of sorts. There was an opening in the hedges directly near the sound. Jack simply walked to it and was about to step through when Elizabeth protested,

"Jack! You can't just go in there!"

"'Course I can! Watch me," he grinned, continuing on his route.

"Should we go?" asked Elizabeth.

"Do we have an option?" asked Will.

Elizabeth shrugged and went after Jack.

What she saw was easily the most bizarre thing that she'd ever seen.

'This is easily the most bizarre thing that I've ever seen!' she thought.

She had seen some of the card-things, the Ace, two, and three of spades to be specific, painting a tree of white roses with red paint. Jack was singing a song with them but not helping them in any way.

"Jack!" Elizabeth whispered.

Jack turned his head in her direction. "What is it?"

"Sh! Not so loud!" the cards said in unison.

"Why ever not?" Elizabeth asked.

The Ace came over to her. "You see, miss, we planted the white roses instead of the red roses and-"

"The Queen she likes them red,

If she saw white instead-"

"She'd raise a fuss-"

"And each of us-"

"Would quickly lose his head."

"Goodness! Hm, where did that come from?" Elizabeth pondered at her polite outbreak.

"Since this is the part we dread,

We're painting the roses red!"

"Did you get that explanation, too?" asked Will, speaking of the previous song.

Jack nodded, "Sad, but that's why I'm a pirate."

"So, you don't have to deal with tyrants like this Queen person?" Elizabeth inquired.

"No, so I don't have to feel any sadness for them."

"Jack that's cruel!"

"Relax, love, they're cards."

"Painting the roses red,

We're painting the roses-"

Out of nowhere a trumpet was sounded and the cards leapt up in fear.

"The Queen!" said the Ace.

"The Queen!" said the two and three.

"The Queen!" said the pirate, the lady, and the kitten.

Now, a procession could be seen marching through a row of heart shaped arches. All of the card-painters got down on their stomachs with their hands above their heads. Elizabeth quickly followed suit being careful not to hurt Will.

"See?" Jack said. "I told you if we found a passageway shaped like a heart it would lead to the castle."

Elizabeth grabbed his sleeve and pulled him down next to her.

"I told you already, Elizabeth, you're taken," he said.

She rolled her eyes. Will stared in awe at him. Jack gave him a funny look.

"How did you know?" Will asked.

"Elementary, my dear kitten," Jack said, patting his head.

"Jack!" Elizabeth hit his arm. "Stay down!"

"Fine, fine!"

The music and all the card-feet stopped. A single horn was blowing now and it was rather annoying. Finally, it stopped and a person, who had apparently been running, stopped near Elizabeth's head. "Announcing her Grace, her Excellency, her Royal Majesty: The Queen of Hearts!"

"I ain't a Queen!" yelled a rough, male voice.

'That seems familiar. Vaguely familiar. Now, where have I heard that before,' Jack thought, raising his head.

The silence that had settled over the area was shredded by Jack's laughter. When he had looked up at the scene before him, he instantly knew why the voice had sounded familiar. Standing in front of him, surrounded by card-men, a rabbit, and Jack the monkey in a king's robe, and bound up in a dress, was his rival, Captain Hector Barbossa. Jack, feeling no danger what-so-ever, stood up and walked over to him as best he could. After all, his body was being racked with laughter. Would you be able to walk at that sight?...Take your time, I can wait. In the mean time-

"Hector, I knew you were unlucky, but this! This is the worst I've ever seen you! This is the worst I've ever seen him," he said happily to Elizabeth and Will, pointing to Hector. "And I know bad with this man. I have seen some terrible things involving this man. This goes beyond anything with you even! This is the worst thing I have ever seen in my entire life!"

Hector had simply been growing angrier and angrier as Jack had been growing jollier and jollier. Everyone had noticed except Jack and the card-men knew what the next thing that came from the "Queen"'s mouth would be.

"Off with his head!"

The card-men jumped into action, all leaping at Jack to take him away. The confused, previously painting card-men saw this as the opportune moment and ran for the door the Cheshire Cat had opened. Jack began fighting off the cards as did Elizabeth and Will. How did Will fight? Well, he was a kitty ninja! So there!

Now, in a normal adventure story, this would be the part where the author goes into detail about the battle happening. They may even go into the individual fights between people, perhaps. But, this is not that type of adventure story. We have neither the time nor the budget to produce such things. It would take innumerable amounts of chocolate e claires and spinny-office chairs and um...something else that rhymes with that...pears! To complete such a project. So, I will briefly describe the most interesting aspects of the events. There was absolutely no showdown with Jack and Barbossa. There was, though, a showdown with Barbossa and Will, with Will being the more successful (being the kitty ninja that he is as a kitty). Will also took on Jack the monkey but the monkey pretty much won that one. Jack spent a lot of time running away from card-men just to run up a card-slide made of card-men and slide back down to the card-men he was originally running away from. Elizabeth was variously told that she had nice ankles by Barbossa, Jack the monkey, and the White Rabbit (who knew he had it in him?), all of which she slapped with imaginary gloves out of embarrassment. Somewhere in between Elizabeth receiving a nasty paper cut from a card-man (because they're made of paper) and Jack the monkey tearing up the White Rabbit's Elizabethan collar for stressing his master, Jack the human made a realization.

"STOP!"

Did everyone do as they were told and go to bed without desert or any warm milk? No, but they all stopped.

"Why are we fighting card-people?"

All of the creatures thought about that for a moment.

"He's right! Why am I a kitten?!" asked Will.

"And why am I in a revealing dress?!" asked Elizabeth.

"And why am I even in a dress?!" asked Barbossa.

"And why am I married to my owner?!" asked Jack the monkey, in adorable little monkey language.

Jack, Barbossa, Jack the monkey, Elizabeth, and Will all looked up out of the story and glared at cheshirexpirate.

"Ha! Um...hello..." she said, awkwardly.

"Why did you do this to us?" asked Jack.

"I thought it would be funny, you know, like a joke. Ha ha!"

"Well, it isn't! I'm not even the same species," Will cried.

"Look, I didn't even know you could talk to me! But, because you can feel all this stuff happening to you, and because I have a heart, I'll put you back."

cheshirexpirate tapped away at her keyboard and wrote them right back into Pirates of the Caribbean.

"Fancy that!" Jack said, when he found himself back on the Black Pearl.

"Thank you!" Elizabeth exclaimed, when she saw that she was properly covered.

"Yes, but remember, lass, if this ever happens again..." Barbossa threatened.

"Yeah, yeah, I know: you'll cut off my nose and force me to eat it," she replied.

"Good," replied Barbossa, firing a cannon at Jack on the Pearl.

With that, the battle continued and everything in the Caribbean was back to normal. cheshirexpirate shut down her computer and went to bed, knowing she had done the right thing. Just kidding! She stayed up and watched the Late Late Show With Craig Ferguson.

**The End**


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